2 weeks ago I was pregnant. We went in for our first prenatal check-up and ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat. For some reason (intuition?), I had had a very bad feeling about this pregnancy right from the beginning, so I wasn't entirely surprised when we found out we'd lost the baby. I was and am very sad, of course. And angry about our pans being messed up -- I was really looking forward to a June baby and a summer vacation from work, playing at the beach and the park with Delly and the new wee one.
I was hoping to miscarry naturally on my own withut having to get a D&C. I worked with an acupuncturist, I tried to reduce stress and worked a lot from home, took some half-days etc. It didn't work. I was completely stressed, was walking around in a fog, and was so run-down that I got horribly sick and developed bronchitis. I ended up getting a D&C this past Friday, and while I was practically out of my mind with anxiety about it, it went fine. Recovery has been a breeze, the worst part was dealing with the after-effects of having been intubated while suffering with a non-stop cough.
The emotional relief after getting the procedure done was incredible and totally unexpected. All of the waiting and wondering what my body would do and when it would do it was over, and it left me feeling practically giddy. I didn't quite realize just how much of a mess I'd been. Until you're on the other side, sometimes you just don't see how poorly you're doing. I was really just barely dragging myself through every day, hanging on by my fingertips. I'm tempted to say it was the worst 2 weeks of my life, but for all the pain and the heartache there was always Josh to love me and Delma to make me laugh. That little pip-squeak manages to make me laugh out loud every single day, no matter how awful I feel, and she is the best therapy ever.
Josh and I have been quite charmed. Our life is not perfect but we really haven't had to face major challenges yet as a couple. We have agood jobs, we found a way to buy the house we wanted, with both Delma and this last pregnancy we decided what time of year we wanted to have a baby and we got pregnant on the very first try... on a whole the major life planning stuff has gone according to our plans. This has been a bitter pill to swallow, dealing with this lack of control in our life, events out of our hands. For me that's been the hardest part of this whole ordeal. It's a good lesson for us, though. There are bigger forces at work, and I wasn't meant to have a summer vacation next year. Things will work out the way they're supposed to, even if it means being trapped in the house in the dead of winter with a toddler and a newborn. Right now that sounds like a nightmare to me, but hopefully by the time that happens it will feel perfect.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
14 months
Delly, you are 14 months old. To celebrate, you decided to FINALLY sprout some teeth. Yay! You went to bed with one tooth popping through one night, and woke up with a second. About a week later, a third popped. And just this morning, about a week after your last tooth, the fourth came through. Full steam ahead! I must say that so far -- knock on wood! -- you are handling it like a champ. We've had a couple rough nights, but those were really because you also happened to have gotten sick during your first week of teething. But really we're all pretty much sailing through teething so far with minimal tears. Though I probably just jinxed it by saying that.
You are a really good walker now and can reach all sorts of completely not childproof things now that you've got all this height working for you. You love animals, you want to hug our cats all the time and you love seeing dogs when we're out. You are fearless, if a huge dog gets in your face and sniffs and licks you, you just laugh. All animals are "kitty" to you, including dogs and even the goats and llamas at Bishop's Farm. You also say ball ("baaaaah") and shoe ("doooooo"). This morning you started pointing to other round things, like the button's on Daddy's coat, and saying ball. Your sweet little brain is working very hard.
You are off bottles completely now, only drinking your milk from sippy cups. You also don't get any milk at bedtime anymore -- you were only getting it out of habit and weren't drinking much, so we stopped doing it one night to see how you'd deal with it, and you were fine. So now we just read some books, sing the Shema, and plop you in your crib and wash our hands of you entirely til morning. Again, I fear I'm jinxing us, but you are so great about going to bed. No matter how crazy our day is, we know that we just have to hang on til 7pm, and then you'll be tucked away in bed and we can spend the rest of our night doing special mommy/daddy things, like fighting over who gets to play Ratchet and Clank.
I think my favorite thing that you do right now is hug our legs. As you run around playing and getting into things, you'll just come up to one of us and throw yourself against our legs in a huge tight hug, and sometimes toss in a bonus of rubbing your facecrazily against our legs. I know what you're doing, you're trying to burrow into us to get a little closer. I know that feeling, of hugging and squooshing and never being able to quite get close enough, that's exactly how I feel when I hug you.
Love,
Mommy
You are a really good walker now and can reach all sorts of completely not childproof things now that you've got all this height working for you. You love animals, you want to hug our cats all the time and you love seeing dogs when we're out. You are fearless, if a huge dog gets in your face and sniffs and licks you, you just laugh. All animals are "kitty" to you, including dogs and even the goats and llamas at Bishop's Farm. You also say ball ("baaaaah") and shoe ("doooooo"). This morning you started pointing to other round things, like the button's on Daddy's coat, and saying ball. Your sweet little brain is working very hard.
You are off bottles completely now, only drinking your milk from sippy cups. You also don't get any milk at bedtime anymore -- you were only getting it out of habit and weren't drinking much, so we stopped doing it one night to see how you'd deal with it, and you were fine. So now we just read some books, sing the Shema, and plop you in your crib and wash our hands of you entirely til morning. Again, I fear I'm jinxing us, but you are so great about going to bed. No matter how crazy our day is, we know that we just have to hang on til 7pm, and then you'll be tucked away in bed and we can spend the rest of our night doing special mommy/daddy things, like fighting over who gets to play Ratchet and Clank.
I think my favorite thing that you do right now is hug our legs. As you run around playing and getting into things, you'll just come up to one of us and throw yourself against our legs in a huge tight hug, and sometimes toss in a bonus of rubbing your facecrazily against our legs. I know what you're doing, you're trying to burrow into us to get a little closer. I know that feeling, of hugging and squooshing and never being able to quite get close enough, that's exactly how I feel when I hug you.
Love,
Mommy
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