Monday, November 12, 2007

on the mend

2 weeks ago I was pregnant. We went in for our first prenatal check-up and ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat. For some reason (intuition?), I had had a very bad feeling about this pregnancy right from the beginning, so I wasn't entirely surprised when we found out we'd lost the baby. I was and am very sad, of course. And angry about our pans being messed up -- I was really looking forward to a June baby and a summer vacation from work, playing at the beach and the park with Delly and the new wee one.

I was hoping to miscarry naturally on my own withut having to get a D&C. I worked with an acupuncturist, I tried to reduce stress and worked a lot from home, took some half-days etc. It didn't work. I was completely stressed, was walking around in a fog, and was so run-down that I got horribly sick and developed bronchitis. I ended up getting a D&C this past Friday, and while I was practically out of my mind with anxiety about it, it went fine. Recovery has been a breeze, the worst part was dealing with the after-effects of having been intubated while suffering with a non-stop cough.

The emotional relief after getting the procedure done was incredible and totally unexpected. All of the waiting and wondering what my body would do and when it would do it was over, and it left me feeling practically giddy. I didn't quite realize just how much of a mess I'd been. Until you're on the other side, sometimes you just don't see how poorly you're doing. I was really just barely dragging myself through every day, hanging on by my fingertips. I'm tempted to say it was the worst 2 weeks of my life, but for all the pain and the heartache there was always Josh to love me and Delma to make me laugh. That little pip-squeak manages to make me laugh out loud every single day, no matter how awful I feel, and she is the best therapy ever.

Josh and I have been quite charmed. Our life is not perfect but we really haven't had to face major challenges yet as a couple. We have agood jobs, we found a way to buy the house we wanted, with both Delma and this last pregnancy we decided what time of year we wanted to have a baby and we got pregnant on the very first try... on a whole the major life planning stuff has gone according to our plans. This has been a bitter pill to swallow, dealing with this lack of control in our life, events out of our hands. For me that's been the hardest part of this whole ordeal. It's a good lesson for us, though. There are bigger forces at work, and I wasn't meant to have a summer vacation next year. Things will work out the way they're supposed to, even if it means being trapped in the house in the dead of winter with a toddler and a newborn. Right now that sounds like a nightmare to me, but hopefully by the time that happens it will feel perfect.


Jofrog said...

What a horrible feeling. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Be sure to let yourself mourn. Delma is the best therapist there is, and I'm sure a second baby is in your future, but this one wasn't it. Biology is amazing, sometimes heartbreaking, but amazing. It knows much better than we do.

Hugs to all,

Johanna and Kaya

Mary Jessica said...

So sorry to hear of this, and I'm glad that sweet Delma is there to give you lots of free therapy. Much love to you and yours.
xo MJ

Bean said...

Oh Heidi, I'm so so very sorry for your loss. I lost three pregnancies before carrying my sweet baby love to term, and I know the pain all too well ((((hugs and mushy stuff))))


(and if you're wondering who in the world this is... I have your name in a swap, and was just doing a little research on you before I send something out!)

Korin said...

Oh heidi, I'm so sorry. ::hug:: i hope you're resting well. I'm glad Delma brings you such love. ::hug::