Monday, September 7, 2009

head case

Today was overall a lovely day. I got a chance to do all sorts of make-me-happy things: raspberry picking with the family, Indian lunch, peach picking on my own... At home later in the day I got to do some baking and made dinner. Mimi was in a good mood, was was being so funny and had me laughing out loud. Delly was sweet and cuddly, hopped into the bath with me this morning and was a funny little nut as usual. But she didn't nap and was rough during and after dinner, and pushed us past our limits.

What's hardest for me with parenting, what makes me craziest, is how immediately influenced I am by Delma and her moods and behavior. It's like I'm a raw nerve, I have no reserves to buffer me, and (most, though not all, days) all it takes is her freaking out to reduce me to a disastrous puddle. I lose my temper, I behave horribly. It makes me feel like an insane person. And then everything is fine and all is forgiven, but at the end of the day it leaves me tapped out and exhausted.

I can already see how it will be better. Now that Mimi is bigger, and Josh and I actually get some breathing room on occasion and have the space to feel like ourselves again and not just solely parents, we get the opportunity to build up that reserve so badly needed. But it's slow going. And in the meantime, well, I guess ending every day -- no matter how awful -- with hugs and kisses and I Love Yous is a success.

1 comment:

Erin M. said...

I can really relate to your second paragraph. I behave horribly, too. I don't have nearly enough patience and I feel outnumbered all day long. I snap. I yell. I threaten. Super Nanny would say I need to set better limits & be consistent/follow through. Don't get me wrong--I'm a good mom, but I just kinda suck sometimes. I wish I could be more calm/laid back. But when they're all out of whack, so am I.