Sunday, September 27, 2009

Kol Nidre

Josh is at Kol Nidre service, and I am at home minding the wee ones. Tomorrow I will be in services all day, fasting.

This is my first year of fasting and taking off from work to attend Yom Kippur services. I did not prepare at all mentally or physically. I have not been hydrating. I have not been making ammends. I am sleepwalking through it all. I wish I were really immersed in this holiday, really living it. But I'm doing the bare minimum, going through the motions, and it's the best I can do. It's better than nothing.

I am finally managing to regularly carve out time for myself in our home to do some things for myself and my family beyond the basics. I'm doing some cooking and baking and crafting. But I am just now seeing that I still have not mentally made space and time for myself. I'm not taking time to be quiet and reflective. And to be honest, I'm sort of afraid to. In these past few years of pregnancies fulfilled and pregnancies lost, and babies and toddlers, my body and mind have been in a constant state of fight-or-flight, always in survival mode. It's been so overwhelming. I think part of me is afraid that if I really get that quiet space, if I stop, everything from the past few years will catch up with me and I'll just fall to pieces.

I know that's not true, but that's how it feels. And I guess maybe in a small way, in feeling this fear and wanting to change it, I really am internalizing this holiest of days? It's all baby steps. And maybe, hopefully, next year I'll be just a bit farther ahead. Hopefully my head will be in it, and I'll spend Yom Kippur feeling more than just hungry.


Lisa said...

I found your post while searching "Kol Nidre" on Twitter this evening. Your post resonates a lot with me, though I've recently found that I'm living on the edge of a cliff by NOT taking time for myself, and when I do take that time, there is a better me available for my kids and family. (A friend of mine suggests making up your own al-chets "forgive me for the sin which I've committed..." Mine was neglecting myself.

Congrats for taking the step of engaging with the holiday this year. I hope you find meaning, hope, fulfillment, energy or just a seed of something in the experience. And if you really do feel like you are on the verge of falling to pieces, get help. A great therapist was really important for me to recover from my second miscarriage and move on to be present for my growing family.

Best wishes for a peaceful, healthy and fulfilling year. - Lisa

kyslp said...

I had that feeling back when my boys were younger. I felt like I always had to be doing something. For someone. I filled every moment with some kind of noise.

I stopped doing that. I don't know what happened to make me slow down. I'm much happier and a little bit more sane.